As I embark on 2015, I am once again reminded that I have a choice everyday to live from a position of fear or faith. January 2o15 marks the start of my 3rd year as a woman living separate from a man… post-divorce. Every day, it becomes more and more clear to me that while I was married, I depended on my husband for so many things….and before that, my leaders and parents. I never realized how DEPENDENT I was on others to give me direction and tell me who I was and how I was supposed to live my life. And while now I understand WHY that was the case, more importantly is HOW I choose to move forward in my life.
You see, as I was growing up, I embraced a notion that I couldn’t trust my inner voice. I began assuming that others knew better or were smarter than me. I gave away my personal power to decide things for myself or have opinions and convictions that I owned. I let go of my internal discernment and spiritual “GPS” and began to rely on external guidance from people who seemed to know better or told me I didn’t.
As children, this tendency is necessary…to trust our elders to keep us safe and teach us what we need to live. However, when our systems or culture is faulty and the teaching we receive stems from other people’s best attempts to interpret the world that may not be accurate, we end up confused and insecure. If our internal system is telling us one thing so clearly, but the external forces are telling us something else, which do we trust? Well, if you’ve been taught – directly or subversively – to stop being ‘as you are’ and re-work your way of being to fit into someone else’s box or you’re bad/wrong/worthless, then you’ll probably do the dance and adapt as required…especially if love and acceptance are attached to life in the box.
But, you see, denying your “GDS” (God-given Discernment System) will lead you into a world of confusion and restlessness. Living according to the external ways being put upon you…if they don’t align with you internally…will simple feel wrong. You can try to justify and rationalize why they might be right…even to the point of acknowledging that your own heart is the greatest deceiver of all…but that will only lead to insanity. If you cannot trust any part of your own heart or mind or inner senses, what is left? Yes, trust God…but how do you know what you think you believe is true if you are the ultimate deceiver? Insanity besets you…
Instead, we must TAKE BACK responsibility for our own lives! We must stop surrendering our personal power to others, assuming others have it right and we are mistaken. Even reading this now, YOU MUST DECIDE FOR YOURSELF…does this make sense? Is this ringing true in me? Don’t believe what I say because of any other reason than it rings true in you…that your internal GDS is echoing its truth. After all, this is only my current way of interpreting the world. This is my blog and I get to express my uncensored thoughts here. 😉
If up until now you’ve lived from a position of external guidance, when you accept personal responsibility to be the captain of your own soul, a few things will happen:
1) You will almost certainly feel a measure of fear as a result of owning your voice as separate from those who you empowered to lead you up to this point. It’s like no longer being a passenger in a car, but accepting the challenge to drive all on your own. The roads are full of other drivers and cars speeding by. You initially wonder if you will be able to navigate and survive. What if you make a bad decision and turn too soon or don’t go when you’re supposed to? This feeling exists because you’ve been conditioned to doubt your ability to discern what is right for you. You have relied on others to tell you what is right. You have surrendered your personal power to others….and for the first time, you’re taking it back!
2) You will feel a sense of empowerment, when you realize you really do get to decide how you steer your car and that you ARE ABLE to make choices that resonate within you as the ‘right’ thing. You don’t need to apologize if your choices take you down a road different from others. You are allowed to have your own path…in fact, no one will go with you as you cross the threshold into eternity. This is YOUR life to live…no one else’s. Only you have authority to decide how you choose to live it. This is you taking back your life…and accepting responsibility for it.
3) You may have a measure of grief once you own that you have given up your personal power for years…maybe even decades…and allowed others to lead you down the path to where you currently find yourself. It may feel like you’ve wasted time and you may feel sadness at the though that things could have gone differently. You may need to confess your bad attitudes or forgive others who hurt you along the way. You may need to forgive yourself for the responses you had as a result of giving over your personal power to them and expecting others to lead you “correctly”.
4) Finally, if you allow it…you will see that your difficult path is the very thing that has LED YOU TO THIS MOMENT!! This moment is offering you something precious and powerful…a NEW BEGINNING! From that perspective, you can now accept all of it – the good, the bad, the ugly – and allow it to be your teacher as you look back at your path. There is no need to heap mounds of guilt or shame on yourself or others. It is as it is. Acceptance and surrender will help bring healing and fuel for you as the rookie captain of your own ship.
May God bless you as you accept the free-will gift He’s given to us all to choose how we live our lives. He made us in His image as creative, powerful, amazing, diverse & unique individuals. We are not to fit in boxes that fit so neatly on the shelf of our existence, but to be flying free and alive, soaring with His life and led by His mysterious Spirit as it ebbs and flows within us.
Here’s to a 2015 of freedom & courageous living, as the captain of your soul!